shake your booty

Lil G Shake Your Butt!

From Matt & Kiley’s wedding. 11.15.08

Told you my niece was amazing.

damn it feels good to be a gangster

or: Things I Am Thankful For 2008

1. Lil G
Most adorable niece ever.  Seriously.  She never ceases to amaze me, and is a pretty smart little girl.  I just want to spoil her, more so than she already is.  Plus, she gets bonus points for knowing all of the words to Rhianna’s “Umbrella” — as tired of the songs as you might be, it’s so worth hearing over and over again with this amazing 3 year old singing.

2. My Momma
If you’ve ever wondered where my dorkiness comes from, yeah here’s it is.  All from mom.  She’s perfectly okay with it too.. which is awesome.  She feels the need to let me know whenever she sees a monkey, and is constantly sending me Get Fuzzy comics or lolcats.  And while some moms steal their children’s instruments because of the noise… my mom stole my electric guitar and my electric bass (which I stole from my brother) so she could play them.  Every Sunday she rocks out in her church’s praise band.. and yes, she does jump and play barefoot.  Pretty awesome for a grandma.

3. Timmy!
Despite the typical older brother things (see: punching, headlocks, wrestling, cracked noses), my brother is really important to me.  I mean, yeah.  (see: the wench)  I still look up to him a lot.  And if I’m going to go shopping with anyone, Timmy is among my first choices.  I like his style, and he tends to find good things for me.  I don’t always agree with things he’s doing, or some of his choices… but I love my bubby.  And hopefully within a year’s time we’ll have similar tattoos (cherry blossoms).

4. Dad, Cynthia & the girls
Actually.. I want to say, I am amazingly thankful for Cynthia.  She is a blessing to our family.  Other than Karen, my late stepmom, I can’t think of another woman to join our family and help raise my sisters.  Her humor works really well with dad’s — so that’s been great for him.  She’s well traveled, and sees the importance of a good education and higher education (meaning my sisters might be convinced to go to college even more so). She’s taken on a lot — never been married and now she’s got 4 girls at home, two adult children and a grandchild.  She’s pretty amazing in my eyes.  And as always, I’m thankful for the love and care that my dad gives me.  And I’m growing to appreciate my younger sisters more and more.

5. Family in general
My whole family is awesome — and I’m thankful for all of them… all of the grandparents (5 grandmas and 4 grandpas)… the aunts and uncles… all the cousins… I’ve got a pretty awesome and very supporting family and that’s been amazing.

6. My job
While I could do without the data entry and some of the tediousness.. I am indeed thankful for a full time job with benefits where not only am I paid well, but I’m appreciated.  I’ve got a boss who’s really understanding and actually is concerned about me and my goals outside of the facility.  Not many people are this lucky right out of school.  Plus, having a nice income with few bills.. well… my wardrobe, entertainment, and video game budget has definitely increased.  (I get to play with lasers and liquid nitrogen. bonus.)

7. The amazing group of people I call my friends
Seriously.  I feel pretty lucky.  I don’t even think I could name them all.  There have been a select few who have really been there for me and have seen me at my best and worse, and yet they still love me.  Two in particular I practically see as sisters now: Chrizzle and Mennogirl.  They’re pretty amazing.  And I’ve got my uber spectacular group of GC Kids whom I love and miss.  There’s my work friends (George whom I enjoy our evening walks to the train; and Dani and Meaghan who can only be described as wonderfully zany).  Topping everything off with some really amazing people who I’ve met recently — most of whom I’ve met thanks to Dan and Adam… The potluck group… The awesome folk of the reading band and the Mucca Pazza memebers I’ve been lucky enough to get to know… I’ve really got an amazing group of people in my life right now.  (Who else would put up with velociraptor attacks and nonstop dorky nerdom?)

8. The Kits.
Crazy as they may be… I love Tuija and Kaija.  They are just awesome little wonderpets.  Psycho little wonderpets sometimes… but awesome.  Two kittens are a bit much, but it wouldn’t feel right only having one of them.  Definitely a package deal.  And I’m appreciating how they’re morphing into cats and are enjoying a good cuddle.

9. Buffalo/Hot wings.
you taste so good.  there needs to be more of you in my life.

damn my indecisive nature

So, I’m doing it again… over thinking and reconsidering my options for grad school.

I’m still very confident that I want to go to Columbia College.  I’m not questioning that.  It’s been more of figuring out which program would be best for me there.

My first thoughts have been the AEMM program.  With that, I thought I’d choose Media Management (MM) as my concentration.  I was happy.  I had made my decision.  And then I started thinking about it.  I wasn’t exactly sure what I could do with an MAM (Masters in Media Management) in MM.  I wasn’t quite sure what I knew of MM at all.  I just knew it was the business side to film, radio, tv, newspapers and magazines.  Well, that could be almost anything.

I also toyed around in AEMM with the thought of Music Business Management (MBM) and Preformance Arts Management (PAM)… MBM was simply because I love audio.  I love live sound, I loved working in the radio business… I just wanted to be with music.  But I couldn’t see myself getting completely passionate about that — at least, not in comparison to my other passion… and PAM, well, that was just because I was a decent stage manager and enjoyed it.

But no.  I know my true passion… and well, if I’m going to get anywhere, I should go with this.
Documentaries.  Wildlife documentaries to be more specific…
I have been an animal nut since I was born.  And, thanks to my dad a lot, I have a decent background in audio/visual which led me to film and broadcast for a while.  And well, I just can’t deny it… I just want to get back into film.  There’s just something about using film in an educational purpose.  I want to travel, to get into communities and work with them on creating educational pieces about their environments for their communities and for the greater population.  I’ve worked on various films and videos since my junior year of high school (2001)…. and in college I worked on two documentaries, one of which won an award (I was the Associate Producer).

Basically now… I’m tossing around between AEMM and Columbia’s Film program… Film school has always intimidated me.  And an old producer of mine adviced against it… but this is a spring board for me to get back into this.  A means for pushing me forward.  I don’t doubt my passion at all.  I just need to find the confidence to pursue this next step.

Associate Producing in South Africa (that day meant boom mic op)

but it’s very nice…

I enjoy kissing.  It is indeed very nice.  Well… I have had bad kisses, but that’s not the topic of this discussion.

I have occasionally found myself in situations where I don’t really know what the kiss means.  It’s the whole “what happens next” issue.  I mean, you’re hanging out with someone, you’re having fun, you make out a bit… and then what?  Does this give you the access for more making out later?  Or is it a “we’re just having a bit of fun thing”?  … Or do you want to continue the physical bits?  I enjoy kissing, but some situations can be a bit ambiguous.

I mean, sometimes all you want to do is just have someone to make out with for a bit.  I definitely know a couple of guys where we like making out, but we don’t expect any sort of relationship to come out of it or anything.  It takes a bit of figuring things out to get to that stage though — there has to be understanding on both sides.. and well, it’s easy for things to get fuzzy.  But there’s also the times when it just sort of happens… Where kissing is sort of an appropriate response to the situation.  What the hell do you do after that?   This could lead to a relationship, a definite sign that the parties are interested… Or it could just be a “moment” thing, and once it’s done it’s done (even if there is mild interest between the parties).  And there’s the times when you’re drunk.  I will definitely admit that I tend to get a bit more flirty and personable when I’m drunk.  And this has lead to more than one make out sessions.

I don’t like leading people on, or being led on myself… but making out is just fun.  And I have been in the position where I didn’t want anything else afterward but the other person did…  It is indeed awkward.  But the period of time after making out with someone.. when you’re trying to figure things out, read into the situation.. it can definitely be frustrating.

Anybody have any suggestions for this post-kiss confusion?  Or any great kissing anecdotes?  Kiss and tell.

a kiss is not a contract - flight of the conchords

I’m a snow beast!

The first real snow is finally here.

Though the great boot search is still under way (see: start walking (notes on cold weather fashion))… I managed to pick up a new coat and hat just in time this year.

I hadn’t actually been searching for a hat this year…  I had knit hats already — various ones my gram had made me… and my new 91.1FM beanie… But I stumbled across a nice trapper hat at target and well, found it amusing.  It’s also warm.  So between the humor and the warm factors, it wins.
Just last week I wore this hat to work, like I have been lately, and well, saw a young student wearing the same hat coming in.  She wasn’t all that thrilled, and had to tell her friend, and then they had to whisper comments and gawk.  Apparently I had ruined her whole “I’m so original” look… But hun, when you shop at target, there will be at least 25-50 other people with the same item.  Just gotta learn to deal with it.  And as you can remember from my guitar hero-ing, I rock out that hat.

true rockstar

Anyway.  When it came to buying a coat, I had specific things I had in mind.

1. Puffiness
Puffy coats are pretty warm.  I’ve been a fan of ski jackets (I own at least 3), and just enjoy the extra padding.  Falling down is almost inevitable, so if I can make my landing a bit nicer, all the better.  There’s also something about a big puffy coat to remind you of your apparent smallness.

2. Nylon/waterproof
Not a huge issue seeing as most puffy coats are made out of this material.  Though it would be amazing to see a wool puffy coat.  crazy.

3. Below the waist
My previous winter coat, which belonged to my late stepmom, went down to my ankles.  I’m just that much shorter than her that a below the knees coat turns floor length.  I was a giant black puff ball in that coat, but I was warm.  So I stopped caring.  But until the snow gets out of hand or it gets in the negatives, I don’t need anything that long… All my other coats are either too lightweight or waist length… meaning I end up having a very cold booty.  Not fun.  So butt coverage was a must.

4. Definable waist
Just because I want it to go past my waist doesn’t mean I want it to cover it.  I want to still look all feminine in my coat.  Who says you can’t be warm and look good?

5. Fur.
I find it hilarious.  Maybe it helps with the warmth, but mostly I think it just looks amazing.  So I needed a coat with fur around the hood, preferably — none of that furry lapel stuff.  It sort of ties into the snow beast things…

So this is what I ended up with, after a lot of searching — The Buckle didn’t have the coat I wanted, so I meandered through an entire mall filled with mindless shoppers and eventually found my coat in Macy’s.

meets all criteria. win.

I will say, mine is not black.  Mine is actually a gunmetal gray color… which well, I have a fondness for gray.  (And yes, grey too.)  … I just couldn’t find an image of my coat’s color… It is indeed warm too.  And the fur is ridiculous.

One goal this winter is to get a lot of really cheap faux fur stuff, including fluff mommas (see post mentioned above)… then run around the city… “I’M A SNOW BEAST!!”  Fun times shall be had by all.

The Mennojerk knows the value of a good hat.

one true loves…

So a while ago Mennogirl listed off her one true loves, and well, I’m feeling in the mood to do so as well.  (Or maybe one true crushes…)

The basic rule with one true loves are that they are not attainable or realistic in anyway.
These can (and should) include characters (from any media: film, tv, fiction – and shouldn’t just be based around one actor if possible), cartoons, people circa not-this-time, and just generally people you don’t actually know and probably will never know.
Oh.   And you should have no less than 5.

And it begins… (in pretty much no particular order)

1. Serj Tankian
I actually got a chance to see him live.  Only briefly (due to my friend wanting to leave, she drove… I wasn’t happy).  Anyway.  Ozzfest: and I got to see Serj dancing around, singing with his amazing voice.  I do basically have to thank an ex from high school for introducing me to System of a Down.  I thoroughly enjoy his music, and I’m pretty amazed by him in general.  Also, I just want to say, BYOB is actually really challenging on Guitar Hero.

2a. John Lennon circa Hard Days Night
I just found him amazingly amusing and ohso entertaining… plus, the whole musician thing… Definitely my favorite part is John in the tub.  A lot of people tend to choose John or Paul as favorite Beatles… Sometimes Ringo (gotta love Mr. Conductor).  But well, it was completely John’s personality in this film that wooed me.

2b. George Harrison circa Help! (and others)
.. Well, George has pretty much always been my favorite Beatle.  And well, George on the car was pretty funny…  I don’t know, I just enjoy him overall.  Maybe I like the quite ones.  Who knows.  His son, Dhani, is also attractive though.

3. Captain Jack Sparrow.
Yep.  Not even “Johnny Depp as…” It’s just Jack.  Possibly one of my favorite characters.  Don’t get me wrong, Johnny Depp is hot too… but well, Jack Sparrow is just awesome.  Who wouldn’t be attracted to this dirty and hilarious pirate?  We definitely have at least rum in common.  And well, maybe I have a soft spot for flailing.

4. Joey Ice Cream.
Like most people, I first found out about Keith Nobbs (the actual person) via The Black Donnellys.  It was a great show, and I’m upset it got canceled so quickly.  But at least I own all 13 episodes on dvd.  I mean, this cast has some hot guys in it… but as the unreliable narrator, Joey’s just awesome.  At least, well, I was sold.

5. Sayid, Sawyer and Boone.
Okay.  So I can’t just pick one from Lost.  I’ve stopped watching the show, but I still find these men attractive.  I think it goes back to something similar with Jack Sparrow, this literally dirty aspect to these men… for some reason the scruff and sweat make them hotter.  The only slightly weird thing is that Boone does look a lot like my friend Kyle Dean… but I will admit, Kyle Dean is an attractive man and ladies love him.  (And boys too.)  Lastly, if you haven’t see Bride and Prejudice… you should.  Especially if you are Sayid fans….

6. Sylar, Adam/Kensie, Peter
Yep, from a Lost obsession to a Heroes obsession.  Adam Monroe, though arrogant and well vengeful, was awesome.  And I was definitely sadden at his pathetic death.  Seriously, they could have done better.   I only barely like Peter.  Something about him with his shirt off I guess.  And well, Sylar… he amuses me too.  And I am happy they’re trying to give him more depth.

7. Captain Mal, Jayne, Zoey…
heck ALL of Serenity’s crew.
Ahh Firefly… another show that left too soon… It’s one of my favorite places to escape to, when I let my mind wander.  Anyway… new frontier.. dirty (again)… guns.  And, one big seller for me was the mixture of English and Chinese.  It was great watching it and actually understanding a handful of things.  Granted, a lot of the Chinese was slang…
Anyway.  Indeed a good show.  Indeed awesome.  And the writing was just great.  Anyway.  You’ve also got to love Jayne’s hat.  And Wash.  Who doesn’t love Wash?

8. Steerpike.
Okay, so he’s creepy and evil… not the first time I’ve had that on this list.  But maybe it’s just how Johnathan Rhys Meyers portrayed him… There’s a definite romantic element to Steerpike… However, I wonder if I would like him as much in the books.  I do have them — all three Gormenghast books.  Reading them is another issue.  Peake is quite the writer… long detailed prose… It’s just a bit too much for me right now.

9. Randal Graves.
Yeah.  I don’t know why.  I’ll accredit this one to Smith’s writing.
Oh, I will say this.  Clerks I or the Animated Series only.  I’m not a huge fan of Clerks II at all.  Most of Smith’s later stuff has just been to keep pushing further — all about the shock and awe.  And well, the amazing writing from his earlier works just isn’t there.

10. Jose Reyes (Mets)
Okay.  So I’m a Cubbies fan… or at least I was born one.  I really don’t watch baseball all that often.. and well, I didn’t really follow it too closely this year.  I’m all for going to see a game though (which is pretty much true for any sport).  Anyway.  I noticed Reyes a while ago… and well, I cheered for the Mets for a bit… what?  He’s hot.

Anyway.  To keep this list from getting insanely long, I’ll just list the rest that I might meet this criteria:
MC Frontalot, JT, Jermaine, ok Bret too, Heath (*sigh*), and for a short time Ryan Nyquist, Mouse (Matrix) and Jason Mewes.
I’m sure there are others.  .. but I’m okay with this for now.

small updates…

So I got psychoanalyzed or something yesterday.
Basically I just talked to a dude for an hour and we ended up discussing treatment methods. We decided a combination of medication and therapy would be the ideal situation. So I’ve started Lorazepam (.5mg) daily. (Yay, something new to add to my bag-o-pills.)  I’ve still got to set up the therapy….  Anyway.  I did learn that I did not actually have hallucinations — just illusions.  Which is nice to know.  At least I’m not as crazy as I thought.

I know everyone deals with anxiety… but when it gets to a point of where you can’t really tell what’s causing it anymore, or when you just can’t control it… then it’s time to consider help.  I couldn’t really control my emotions for most of this week.  So I’m hoping the pills will help me deal with the day-to-day while the therapy will work on new methods of dealing with things and addressing these issues.  What I was doing wasn’t really working, so it only make sense to seek some outside help.

---

Now for something completely different…

I’m not sure what I think about GMail’s themes….

For one, there is very slim section, and they’re not customizable.  (So no gray and pink for me…. or no pink dinosaurs…)  Granted, I do feel that too much freedom will result in nastiness.  (The mail program we used in college, one of them at least, well… I had some friends who tried to make it the loudest non-readable color scheme you could think of…)  .. But well, simple customizations would be nice.  Also well, I’m not a big fan of the nature or the overly cutesy stuff right now.   So I of course went with minimalist, and am letting my labels add some color.

moving forward…

my anxiety levels are still pretty high, to the point of emotional instability…
this is definitely not a place I want to be…

so last night I went to the doctor.  she really couldn’t do much for me herself, but I’m seeing another doctor this afternoon.  From this appointment we’ll find out if I need some sort of medication to assist me in the short term.  For the long term, we’re looking at having me meet with someone on a regular basis.  I’m not sure for how long, but probably until I’m able to manage things on my own.

It’s not always easy to talk about mental and emotional health issues.  They can be embarrassing… Granted, I find some of the physical things I’ve gone through embarrassing as well.  But today I’ll get an hour to speak freely about what’s going on in my mind.  And I’ll get probably an hour a week for a while to talk about it too.

At this point, I just want to be healthy.  And I’ve come to a point where I know I need some outside help as well.
Crossing my fingers and moving forward.

it sucks to be me.

It Sucks to Be Me - Avenue Q

Actually, it doesn’t.  But I’m currently not doing so well.  My boss has actually given me permission to go home if needed.  But I’m going to attempt to stick it out if I can.  (I’m still out of sick days.)

The short of it is that I feel that I am verging on a nervous break down, an anxiety attack.  I was tittering on tears within 30 minutes of arriving to work.  Not really an emotional/mental state I like to be in.  If I felt that being at home could some how help me resolve this, I’d be there.  Especially since I don’t think I’ll be very productive here, which has been a sad new trend this past month.

I’m not really quite sure what’s the root of all of this either.  I don’t feel like there’s anything in my life right now that would warrant this sort of stress.  It’s just there.  Which makes me wonder if there’s some sort of chemical/nutrient that I’m low on… specifically B12.  I’ve mention it before, but I’m fairly convinced that I have a B12 deficiency.  It’s in my family, and I’ve showed symptoms for years.

I feel that I should see my doctor… I just don’t know how to approach it.  There’s the anxiety, the tiredness, the dizziness (which could just be my vertigo), lightheadedness, feeling weak, and yeah, I’m sort of feeling emotionally down… but not depressed… I don’t know.. I’m still able to be happy too.  But I just get in these little funks.  … Also, the thing I dislike admitting… I’m sort of seeing things.  Mostly out of the corner of my eye, something that’s not in focus, but I think I see something (when I was driving I thought I saw a large fake tan cow by the road — up about a quarter of a mile).. and then when I go to actually look at it, it’s not there.  This is definitely troubling to me.  And embarrassing.

I’ve also realized that I really need to be proactive in taking care of myself.  I want to feel healthy.  I’m thinking of join the gym with my coworkers, Meaghan & Dani — or maybe finding another place to join with someone or to do a program at home or something.  I want to start attending Meeting for Worship again.  There’s a meeting close to me that I’ve attended in the past, but I haven’t been to since May… and a group of them also meet with some Friends in the city on Wednesdays — so I might join that.  I’d like to join a meeting with a good number of young adult Friends, but I’m not sure if there really are that many in the area.

Anyway.  I also want to eat better.  Probably try to remove a lot of the processed things.  I should also look at meats and/or meat alternatives.  We talk about GIGO at work, and have even discussed it in terms of dietary preferences and choices.  Any small steps I can take at getting better is a good move in my eyes.

status update (or: back rub fail.)