it sucks to be me.

It Sucks to Be Me - Avenue Q

Actually, it doesn’t.  But I’m currently not doing so well.  My boss has actually given me permission to go home if needed.  But I’m going to attempt to stick it out if I can.  (I’m still out of sick days.)

The short of it is that I feel that I am verging on a nervous break down, an anxiety attack.  I was tittering on tears within 30 minutes of arriving to work.  Not really an emotional/mental state I like to be in.  If I felt that being at home could some how help me resolve this, I’d be there.  Especially since I don’t think I’ll be very productive here, which has been a sad new trend this past month.

I’m not really quite sure what’s the root of all of this either.  I don’t feel like there’s anything in my life right now that would warrant this sort of stress.  It’s just there.  Which makes me wonder if there’s some sort of chemical/nutrient that I’m low on… specifically B12.  I’ve mention it before, but I’m fairly convinced that I have a B12 deficiency.  It’s in my family, and I’ve showed symptoms for years.

I feel that I should see my doctor… I just don’t know how to approach it.  There’s the anxiety, the tiredness, the dizziness (which could just be my vertigo), lightheadedness, feeling weak, and yeah, I’m sort of feeling emotionally down… but not depressed… I don’t know.. I’m still able to be happy too.  But I just get in these little funks.  … Also, the thing I dislike admitting… I’m sort of seeing things.  Mostly out of the corner of my eye, something that’s not in focus, but I think I see something (when I was driving I thought I saw a large fake tan cow by the road — up about a quarter of a mile).. and then when I go to actually look at it, it’s not there.  This is definitely troubling to me.  And embarrassing.

I’ve also realized that I really need to be proactive in taking care of myself.  I want to feel healthy.  I’m thinking of join the gym with my coworkers, Meaghan & Dani — or maybe finding another place to join with someone or to do a program at home or something.  I want to start attending Meeting for Worship again.  There’s a meeting close to me that I’ve attended in the past, but I haven’t been to since May… and a group of them also meet with some Friends in the city on Wednesdays — so I might join that.  I’d like to join a meeting with a good number of young adult Friends, but I’m not sure if there really are that many in the area.

Anyway.  I also want to eat better.  Probably try to remove a lot of the processed things.  I should also look at meats and/or meat alternatives.  We talk about GIGO at work, and have even discussed it in terms of dietary preferences and choices.  Any small steps I can take at getting better is a good move in my eyes.

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