Archive for the ‘seriously. and tragically’ Category

gimp diaries: day VII

16 December 2008

Well.  It’s official.  Not Broken.

So yep, that means there’s no other reason for the, now, 7 days of intense pain other than my wrist catching all of my weight when I fell on it.  That whole gravity thing didn’t help either.

This means no cyborg super wrist.  Though they did get rid of the fiberglass half-cast and gave me this beefed up brace.

They also gave me propoxyphene-n (something I’m familiar with).  So at least the pain should be going away, and well, who does’t love narcotic pain medicines?  (Especially ones with warnings like these: “Dangerous side effects or death can occur when alcohol is combined with a narcotic pain medicine.”)

The doctor wants me to do an MRI, but I’m not so much in the mood for that or its costs.  If it doesn’t get better after a month or so, I’ll have it checked out again.  But for right now it’s just going to be me and the propoxyphene-n.

a cyborg super wrist would have been much more awesome

a cyborg super wrist would have been much more awesome

gimp fyi:

15 December 2008

I’m going to the doctor today.

More poking & proding & x-rays.
We’ll find out if it’s truly broken or if I’ve been going through six days of constant intense pain for absolutely no reason.

Details when I return, or possibly tomorrow.

gimp diaries: day VI

15 December 2008

I got to hang out with Mennogirl a little but this weekend.  It was nice to get a small chance to chat for a bit.

One of the things we talked about is the emotional toll injuries can take on us.  And yes, this is indeed in reference to the slight depression I’ve been in since the fall.  The continuous pain has taken an effect on me that I wasn’t quite expecting.

I find myself torn between wanting to be social and wanting to just hide under my covers until it goes away.  I think I’m over the enbarrassment, but I don’t like being in pain and similarly, I guess I don’t like feeling weak and helpless.  Yet, all I want is for someone to be there for me, for someone to hold me and comfort me and make me feel like maybe things aren’t so bad.  But I don’t have that type of person in my life right now.  It’s just me, and some pretty awesome friends and my family.

And it’s when you already feel like crap that your mind likes to remind you of the things you want but can’t have — to rub salt in it and make you feel like it just might be your own fault for these things, that maybe you’re not good enough.  Then with these emotional blinders on, you only seem to be noticing the negative things happening in your life….. when really, you’re just an injured young woman who just wants a little bit of attention… a little compassion…

So, this little gimpy girl is trying to do her best.  It sucks when other not-so-great things are happening all at once…  But I’m getting through it.  Somethings are just out of my control, and while that sucks — I just need to trust something greater, and know that things will work out.

when it rains it…

13 December 2008

the list of not-so-much win in my life at the moment:

  • my wrist
  • the pain, from my wrist
  • the boredom, since I can’t really do much because of said wrist
  • medical bills from the past month or so (my back, then this…)
  • the pain, from being female & my uterus’ stupid monthly habit
  • the minor (sexual) frustration, from the obvious (*ahem* still single)
  • thinking your have a chance with someone, who appears to be interested in you, but finding out they’re in a relationship

but hey, at least I finally sold my car. (too bad all that money goes to my mom since I owe her for, well, college.)

edit: as of 10:30pm – and my friend got into a car accident on his way to pick me up for a party tonight.. he’s fine, but the car is totaled.

from one frustration to another

12 December 2008

maybe it’s the irritableness from my wrist… but I just don’t have the energy to deal with frustrating men right now.

I’m tired of mixed signals, of confusion, of getting my hopes up.
I don’t want to set myself up to just get disappointed, led on, or hurt again.

Have some decency and give the gimpy girl a break.

gimp diaries: day III

12 December 2008

Falling asleep is easier.  And I’ve decided that this is a state of being that I should be in more.  It’s basically the only time I get a break from the pain.

I’ve been bitching and moaning a lot, and will be for the next ever.  Now don’t mistake my woe for mere hyperbole.  Oh no, I am indeed in pain.  I’ve been about at an 8 or above since the accident and the shock/embarrassment wore off.

pain_p2(click the graphic for more info)

So 3 days of pain.  Pain that’s been on the same severity.  Pain that makes me want to stab my arm, or at the very least gnaw it off.  I hate my wrist.  I don’t want my wrist.  I want a shiny new cyborg super wrist.

It’s been like having a car park on your wrist for a few days… every once in a while some one gets in the car for a bit, maybe they have a party in there.  Or it’s like getting your wrist smashed by a large sledge and then put into a vise.  Not to mention this is the worse my paresthesia has been.  I can feel all the painful muscle spasms.  When I move it feels like things are hitting each other in there.

For 3 straight days of pain… I’m definitely irritable (more so than normal).  I’m definitely finding myself trying to fight back tears.  And I’m definitely ready for this to be over.  For all this pain, there had better be something wrong.  There has to be something to justify and for my mind to rationalize all of this.  Otherwise, some one’s getting cast-slapped.

maybe the doctors should have given me Rx pain meds...

maybe the doctors should have given me Rx pain meds...

gimp diaries: day II

11 December 2008

The pain seems to be about the same.  Or at least, it’s not getting better.

Sleeping wasn’t all that fun as I had no idea what to do with my casty-wrist.  Eventually I figured out that I could use my contoured pillow for cushioning and support and just place my wrist in the curve.  Old habits from sleeping alone still happen, and some minor awkward flailing happened — each time waking me up in pain.

Showering was a new challenge.  My half-cast can’t get wet, so I zip-locked my arm in a large baggie.  It still wasn’t completely leak proof, so I ended up having to hold my arm up for pretty much the entire shower.  Shampoo and conditioner were applied directly to my head then worked through…. Shaving, and also applying deodorant were equally challenging.  Imaging doing a one-armed chicken dance, only instead of just flapping you’re attempting to carefully use a 4-blade razor or a stick of deodorant which claims to go on clear…  Sadly, with my previous temporary paralysis in high school, I do have some experience with this — though that gimpy hand could get wet.

It’s only been one day, but I’m already starting to think that some sort of house elf, man-slave, or droid would be nice.  I’m trying to simplify my wardrobe to easy-on easy-off clothes (and shoes, with the exception of the snow boots).  However, even just last night I was almost bested by a can of spaghetti-o’s (with meatballs).  My roommate had to open the can and then put it in a bowl for me.  I can still feed myself thankfully.  I don’t know if I trust my friends to feed me.

Anyway. Day II and I’m rocking a sling.  It’s mostly to keep me from smashing my wrist into things and serves as a great reminder to not use that hand.  It’s disco silver and adorned with my Mucca Pazza button (which is bright pink).

did I also mention I'm trying maxium strength pain killers?

did I also mention I'm trying maxium strength pain killers?

the slippery are very crafty

10 December 2008

slip03well… it’s happened.

I fell on my ass.  hard.

I predicted this would happen at least twice this year… so, one down?

it was right under the Noyes street CTA, there was a 2×3 foot patch of ice on a slight decline, and I hit it, dead on.  Fell right on my ass.  And, unfortunately, I used my wrists to catch me — so I landed on them with all my weight first.
People around me asked if I was okay, and in shock I said I was okay (just really embarrassed)… no one helped me up… not even one of my old work friends who was behind me.  He just gave me a look and kept going.  Jackass.

When I went to open one of the doors, my wrist popped.  And that’s when I actually realized, hey I’m in a lot of pain.  The shock of hitting my ass so hard finally wore off and I ended up having to fight back tears.  I already had bruising by that point.  I get into the office, call a nurse at my doctor’s office… and then go tell my boss that I’m going to the hospital.  That’s when I lost it.  All the emotion built up from the fall just released — and released onto my boss.

My boss talked with the main office, and Tasneem — our temp PA — drove me to the ER.  Some poking, a lot of pain, more crying, more poking, some xrays, some ice…. then some rest.  At this point, we can’t see if I’ve fractured my wrist yet.  I managed to land on a very finicky bone.  So in a week I’ll go see a bone specialist, do some more xrays and find out if I did any damage.  So I’ve got a cast (sort of) on my left wrist and a small splint on my right.   It’s just ice, rest, and over the counter pain killers for the next week.

stupid ice

stupid ice

What we need in the US is better signage to warn us of these dangers….

slip04

small updates…

21 November 2008

So I got psychoanalyzed or something yesterday.
Basically I just talked to a dude for an hour and we ended up discussing treatment methods. We decided a combination of medication and therapy would be the ideal situation. So I’ve started Lorazepam (.5mg) daily. (Yay, something new to add to my bag-o-pills.)  I’ve still got to set up the therapy….  Anyway.  I did learn that I did not actually have hallucinations — just illusions.  Which is nice to know.  At least I’m not as crazy as I thought.

I know everyone deals with anxiety… but when it gets to a point of where you can’t really tell what’s causing it anymore, or when you just can’t control it… then it’s time to consider help.  I couldn’t really control my emotions for most of this week.  So I’m hoping the pills will help me deal with the day-to-day while the therapy will work on new methods of dealing with things and addressing these issues.  What I was doing wasn’t really working, so it only make sense to seek some outside help.


Now for something completely different…

I’m not sure what I think about GMail’s themes….

For one, there is very slim section, and they’re not customizable.  (So no gray and pink for me…. or no pink dinosaurs…)  Granted, I do feel that too much freedom will result in nastiness.  (The mail program we used in college, one of them at least, well… I had some friends who tried to make it the loudest non-readable color scheme you could think of…)  .. But well, simple customizations would be nice.  Also well, I’m not a big fan of the nature or the overly cutesy stuff right now.   So I of course went with minimalist, and am letting my labels add some color.

gmail011

moving forward…

20 November 2008

my anxiety levels are still pretty high, to the point of emotional instability…
this is definitely not a place I want to be…

so last night I went to the doctor.  she really couldn’t do much for me herself, but I’m seeing another doctor this afternoon.  From this appointment we’ll find out if I need some sort of medication to assist me in the short term.  For the long term, we’re looking at having me meet with someone on a regular basis.  I’m not sure for how long, but probably until I’m able to manage things on my own.

It’s not always easy to talk about mental and emotional health issues.  They can be embarrassing… Granted, I find some of the physical things I’ve gone through embarrassing as well.  But today I’ll get an hour to speak freely about what’s going on in my mind.  And I’ll get probably an hour a week for a while to talk about it too.

At this point, I just want to be healthy.  And I’ve come to a point where I know I need some outside help as well.
Crossing my fingers and moving forward.