Posts Tagged ‘health’

it sucks to be me.

18 November 2008

It Sucks to Be Me - Avenue Q

Actually, it doesn’t.  But I’m currently not doing so well.  My boss has actually given me permission to go home if needed.  But I’m going to attempt to stick it out if I can.  (I’m still out of sick days.)

The short of it is that I feel that I am verging on a nervous break down, an anxiety attack.  I was tittering on tears within 30 minutes of arriving to work.  Not really an emotional/mental state I like to be in.  If I felt that being at home could some how help me resolve this, I’d be there.  Especially since I don’t think I’ll be very productive here, which has been a sad new trend this past month.

I’m not really quite sure what’s the root of all of this either.  I don’t feel like there’s anything in my life right now that would warrant this sort of stress.  It’s just there.  Which makes me wonder if there’s some sort of chemical/nutrient that I’m low on… specifically B12.  I’ve mention it before, but I’m fairly convinced that I have a B12 deficiency.  It’s in my family, and I’ve showed symptoms for years.

I feel that I should see my doctor… I just don’t know how to approach it.  There’s the anxiety, the tiredness, the dizziness (which could just be my vertigo), lightheadedness, feeling weak, and yeah, I’m sort of feeling emotionally down… but not depressed… I don’t know.. I’m still able to be happy too.  But I just get in these little funks.  … Also, the thing I dislike admitting… I’m sort of seeing things.  Mostly out of the corner of my eye, something that’s not in focus, but I think I see something (when I was driving I thought I saw a large fake tan cow by the road — up about a quarter of a mile).. and then when I go to actually look at it, it’s not there.  This is definitely troubling to me.  And embarrassing.

I’ve also realized that I really need to be proactive in taking care of myself.  I want to feel healthy.  I’m thinking of join the gym with my coworkers, Meaghan & Dani — or maybe finding another place to join with someone or to do a program at home or something.  I want to start attending Meeting for Worship again.  There’s a meeting close to me that I’ve attended in the past, but I haven’t been to since May… and a group of them also meet with some Friends in the city on Wednesdays — so I might join that.  I’d like to join a meeting with a good number of young adult Friends, but I’m not sure if there really are that many in the area.

Anyway.  I also want to eat better.  Probably try to remove a lot of the processed things.  I should also look at meats and/or meat alternatives.  We talk about GIGO at work, and have even discussed it in terms of dietary preferences and choices.  Any small steps I can take at getting better is a good move in my eyes.

one flew over… (an introduction to my mind)

7 October 2008

So, I’ve claimed at various times to have an overactive imagination.

It can definitely be a love-hate relationship, but for the most part, I wouldn’t want to give it up.

One of the simplest ways of describing my imagination is that my mind doesn’t really have an off switch.  Yes, I can “zone out”, but typically there’s something going on up there and I’m so focused/distracted by it that I sort of loose touch with what’s around me.
There’s really no good way of putting into words what’s happening in my mind.

Some times it’s like my life’s a movie or some sort of show, and there’s this invisible audience.  I can see exactly how I’d want the camera to move and frame the shot for that particular instance in my life.  Of course, when I was working in film, that was sort of nice and welcomed.  Making those shots into reality weren’t always easy, but it was nice to have some sort of vision for the project.

Occasionally it’s like having various people, or sometimes a zoo, up there.  JenJen!theamazing and I discussions on this throughout high school, as she has a league of muses that have entertained and assisted her for a while.  It’s not like hearing voices.  Though, well, occasionally you do have to question your sanity.

The whole questioning my sanity thing has been sort of difficult at times.  A lot of times it’s just laughing things off as “wow I’m weird”… but there are times when I really don’t know if something actually happened, or if I imagined it.  Did I really have that conversation?  Or, what ended up being extremely taxing on my emotional well-being, I question whether I’m creating issues.

In high school, I began having unexplainable health issues.  I was in ceramics, it was the morning, and I just became extremely dizzy.  I remember my teacher having to walk me down to the nurse’s office.  While I was sitting there, the nurse asked why I was holding my hands like that — curled into claws.  I had no clue, I was still dizzy.  But then panic set in.  I couldn’t move my fingers.  After about an hour of panic and struggle, my right hand slowly regained movement.  My left hand was stuck.  And so began my journey into the world of medical tests and general annoyances.

The paralysis lasted about ten days.  Came back right in time for junior prom — granted, it was still decently useless as I continually dropped things.  So well, basically, I had a small selection of friends who were convinced that I had faked the entire ordeal.  Mine you, this particular ordeal included MRIs, MRAs, various x-rays, lots of blood work, a trip to a neurologist, and a rather painful electro-shock-like test that I never want to endure again.  And basically, because it has been.. oh, 6 or so years since all of this began… and various doctors and neurologists haven’t figured anything out… I began questioning whether all of my symptoms were in my head too…  Granted, that was a load of crap.  They might be made worse my stress, but I’m pretty positive I didn’t fake this.

But given that my mind does wander, and sometime uncontrollably, until I get a diagnosis — any diagnosis — there’s always going to be that small fraction of a percent of doubt in my head.  Anyway.  That’s just one side of it.

Generally, the overactive imagination hasn’t been too bad.  I am pretty easily amused.  A lot of times, rather than just get a song stuck in my head, it’s a whole music/dance video.. and yes, most of the time, I’m the star.  (But a lot of that has to do with my own self-confidence, which in itself can amuse me — I am damn awesome.)

UNICORNS!

UNICORNS!

A lot of times I can control things.  But as my close friends will admit, the randomness that I can produce is just truly.. beyond words.

(Mennogirl‘s recent birthday dinner being a decent example — OMG VELOCIRAPTOR ATTACK!  or.. unicorns! — sadly, no velociraptor pictures exist.)