Posts Tagged ‘mennogirl’

gimp diaries: day VI

15 December 2008

I got to hang out with Mennogirl a little but this weekend.  It was nice to get a small chance to chat for a bit.

One of the things we talked about is the emotional toll injuries can take on us.  And yes, this is indeed in reference to the slight depression I’ve been in since the fall.  The continuous pain has taken an effect on me that I wasn’t quite expecting.

I find myself torn between wanting to be social and wanting to just hide under my covers until it goes away.  I think I’m over the enbarrassment, but I don’t like being in pain and similarly, I guess I don’t like feeling weak and helpless.  Yet, all I want is for someone to be there for me, for someone to hold me and comfort me and make me feel like maybe things aren’t so bad.  But I don’t have that type of person in my life right now.  It’s just me, and some pretty awesome friends and my family.

And it’s when you already feel like crap that your mind likes to remind you of the things you want but can’t have — to rub salt in it and make you feel like it just might be your own fault for these things, that maybe you’re not good enough.  Then with these emotional blinders on, you only seem to be noticing the negative things happening in your life….. when really, you’re just an injured young woman who just wants a little bit of attention… a little compassion…

So, this little gimpy girl is trying to do her best.  It sucks when other not-so-great things are happening all at once…  But I’m getting through it.  Somethings are just out of my control, and while that sucks — I just need to trust something greater, and know that things will work out.

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kitten comfort

5 December 2008

Last night I went home, and I don’t know if maybe my anti-anxiety meds wore off or something, but I just wasn’t in the best of moods.

We’re lacking antennae to watch basics in our apartment (they’re upstairs at jrosei & libby’s — though they belong to my roommate)… and we’re currently lacking internet until the 9th (had to switch from Mennogirl to Libby)… so that leaves these options: movies, reading, cleaning, or games.  Or the other option of just sleeping all evening until you finally decide to actually go to bed.

So, I curled up on the couch and had a minor little pity party for myself.  I had gotten it in my head that I had/have absolutely no chance with this really hot guy I like, and on top of that the last string of rejections had more to do with me then the guy or the situation.  So I buried myself under my blankets.

And as to be expected, my kittens have a fascination with many things, one of them being tunnelling under blankets.  So first Kaija joined me, climbed across my legs then over my back and then cuddled in by my belly.  Soon Tuija was in there too, and it was a little kitty spoonfest.  So we all cuddled and the kittens nuzzled me and each other.. purring loudly…   It wasn’t long before I relaxed and decided not to care about my lack of a chance or my singleness.

I don’t know.  I feel like I might be getting mixed signals from said attractive male (whom I may or may not have a chance with)… Maybe he’s flirting, maybe he’s just joking around as a friend… I don’t know.   Maybe I’m just dense, like many people in these situations, and need something a bit more obvious… Like “Hey, you’re cute.  I like you.  Let’s go out some time.”  Or the ever popular slightly random make-out sessions… Or if you still want to be subtle, physical touch isn’t always a bad thing — a quick back rub or pat that maybe lingers, a little squeeze on the arm, holding hands even…. hell, just smiling, making eye contact and maybe a little flirty wink or something… I don’t know.  But at this point I’m confused.

At least I have my kittens to come home to and cuddle with.
and they’re damn cute.  (just like me)

kaija v. the sink - round 1 take 2

damn it feels good to be a gangster

26 November 2008

or: Things I Am Thankful For 2008

adorable.

1. Lil G
Most adorable niece ever.  Seriously.  She never ceases to amaze me, and is a pretty smart little girl.  I just want to spoil her, more so than she already is.  Plus, she gets bonus points for knowing all of the words to Rhianna’s “Umbrella” — as tired of the songs as you might be, it’s so worth hearing over and over again with this amazing 3 year old singing.

img_48282. My Momma
If you’ve ever wondered where my dorkiness comes from, yeah here’s it is.  All from mom.  She’s perfectly okay with it too.. which is awesome.  She feels the need to let me know whenever she sees a monkey, and is constantly sending me Get Fuzzy comics or lolcats.  And while some moms steal their children’s instruments because of the noise… my mom stole my electric guitar and my electric bass (which I stole from my brother) so she could play them.  Every Sunday she rocks out in her church’s praise band.. and yes, she does jump and play barefoot.  Pretty awesome for a grandma.

timmy3. Timmy!
Despite the typical older brother things (see: punching, headlocks, wrestling, cracked noses), my brother is really important to me.  I mean, yeah.  (see: the wench)  I still look up to him a lot.  And if I’m going to go shopping with anyone, Timmy is among my first choices.  I like his style, and he tends to find good things for me.  I don’t always agree with things he’s doing, or some of his choices… but I love my bubby.  And hopefully within a year’s time we’ll have similar tattoos (cherry blossoms).

family4. Dad, Cynthia & the girls
Actually.. I want to say, I am amazingly thankful for Cynthia.  She is a blessing to our family.  Other than Karen, my late stepmom, I can’t think of another woman to join our family and help raise my sisters.  Her humor works really well with dad’s — so that’s been great for him.  She’s well traveled, and sees the importance of a good education and higher education (meaning my sisters might be convinced to go to college even more so). She’s taken on a lot — never been married and now she’s got 4 girls at home, two adult children and a grandchild.  She’s pretty amazing in my eyes.  And as always, I’m thankful for the love and care that my dad gives me.  And I’m growing to appreciate my younger sisters more and more.

5. Family in general
My whole family is awesome — and I’m thankful for all of them… all of the grandparents (5 grandmas and 4 grandpas)… the aunts and uncles… all the cousins… I’ve got a pretty awesome and very supporting family and that’s been amazing.

6. My job
While I could do without the data entry and some of the tediousness.. I am indeed thankful for a full time job with benefits where not only am I paid well, but I’m appreciated.  I’ve got a boss who’s really understanding and actually is concerned about me and my goals outside of the facility.  Not many people are this lucky right out of school.  Plus, having a nice income with few bills.. well… my wardrobe, entertainment, and video game budget has definitely increased.  (I get to play with lasers and liquid nitrogen. bonus.)

7. The amazing group of people I call my friends
Seriously.  I feel pretty lucky.  I don’t even think I could name them all.  There have been a select few who have really been there for me and have seen me at my best and worse, and yet they still love me.  Two in particular I practically see as sisters now: Chrizzle and Mennogirl.  They’re pretty amazing.  And I’ve got my uber spectacular group of GC Kids whom I love and miss.  There’s my work friends (George whom I enjoy our evening walks to the train; and Dani and Meaghan who can only be described as wonderfully zany).  Topping everything off with some really amazing people who I’ve met recently — most of whom I’ve met thanks to Dan and Adam… The potluck group… The awesome folk of the reading band and the Mucca Pazza memebers I’ve been lucky enough to get to know… I’ve really got an amazing group of people in my life right now.  (Who else would put up with velociraptor attacks and nonstop dorky nerdom?)

8. The Kits.
Crazy as they may be… I love Tuija and Kaija.  They are just awesome little wonderpets.  Psycho little wonderpets sometimes… but awesome.  Two kittens are a bit much, but it wouldn’t feel right only having one of them.  Definitely a package deal.  And I’m appreciating how they’re morphing into cats and are enjoying a good cuddle.

9. Buffalo/Hot wings.
you taste so good.  there needs to be more of you in my life.

one true loves…

21 November 2008

So a while ago Mennogirl listed off her one true loves, and well, I’m feeling in the mood to do so as well.  (Or maybe one true crushes…)

The basic rule with one true loves are that they are not attainable or realistic in anyway.
These can (and should) include characters (from any media: film, tv, fiction – and shouldn’t just be based around one actor if possible), cartoons, people circa not-this-time, and just generally people you don’t actually know and probably will never know.
Oh.   And you should have no less than 5.

And it begins… (in pretty much no particular order)

serjtankian1. Serj Tankian
I actually got a chance to see him live.  Only briefly (due to my friend wanting to leave, she drove… I wasn’t happy).  Anyway.  Ozzfest: and I got to see Serj dancing around, singing with his amazing voice.  I do basically have to thank an ex from high school for introducing me to System of a Down.  I thoroughly enjoy his music, and I’m pretty amazed by him in general.  Also, I just want to say, BYOB is actually really challenging on Guitar Hero.

john2a. John Lennon circa Hard Days Night
I just found him amazingly amusing and ohso entertaining… plus, the whole musician thing… Definitely my favorite part is John in the tub.  A lot of people tend to choose John or Paul as favorite Beatles… Sometimes Ringo (gotta love Mr. Conductor).  But well, it was completely John’s personality in this film that wooed me.

george_harrison_22b. George Harrison circa Help! (and others)
.. Well, George has pretty much always been my favorite Beatle.  And well, George on the car was pretty funny…  I don’t know, I just enjoy him overall.  Maybe I like the quite ones.  Who knows.  His son, Dhani, is also attractive though.

jack3. Captain Jack Sparrow.
Yep.  Not even “Johnny Depp as…” It’s just Jack.  Possibly one of my favorite characters.  Don’t get me wrong, Johnny Depp is hot too… but well, Jack Sparrow is just awesome.  Who wouldn’t be attracted to this dirty and hilarious pirate?  We definitely have at least rum in common.  And well, maybe I have a soft spot for flailing.

joey4. Joey Ice Cream.
Like most people, I first found out about Keith Nobbs (the actual person) via The Black Donnellys.  It was a great show, and I’m upset it got canceled so quickly.  But at least I own all 13 episodes on dvd.  I mean, this cast has some hot guys in it… but as the unreliable narrator, Joey’s just awesome.  At least, well, I was sold.

sawyer-lost15. Sayid, Sawyer and Boone.
Okay.  So I can’t just pick one from Lost.  I’ve stopped watching the show, but I still find these men attractive.  I think it goes back to something similar with Jack Sparrow, this literally dirty aspect to these men… for some reason the scruff and sweat make them hotter.  The only slightly weird thing is that Boone does look a lot like my friend Kyle Dean… but I will admit, Kyle Dean is an attractive man and ladies love him.  (And boys too.)  Lastly, if you haven’t see Bride and Prejudice… you should.  Especially if you are Sayid fans….

kensei6. Sylar, Adam/Kensie, Peter
Yep, from a Lost obsession to a Heroes obsession.  Adam Monroe, though arrogant and well vengeful, was awesome.  And I was definitely sadden at his pathetic death.  Seriously, they could have done better.   I only barely like Peter.  Something about him with his shirt off I guess.  And well, Sylar… he amuses me too.  And I am happy they’re trying to give him more depth.

serenity7. Captain Mal, Jayne, Zoey…
heck ALL of Serenity’s crew.
Ahh Firefly… another show that left too soon… It’s one of my favorite places to escape to, when I let my mind wander.  Anyway… new frontier.. dirty (again)… guns.  And, one big seller for me was the mixture of English and Chinese.  It was great watching it and actually understanding a handful of things.  Granted, a lot of the Chinese was slang…
Anyway.  Indeed a good show.  Indeed awesome.  And the writing was just great.  Anyway.  You’ve also got to love Jayne’s hat.  And Wash.  Who doesn’t love Wash?

steerpike_l8. Steerpike.
Okay, so he’s creepy and evil… not the first time I’ve had that on this list.  But maybe it’s just how Johnathan Rhys Meyers portrayed him… There’s a definite romantic element to Steerpike… However, I wonder if I would like him as much in the books.  I do have them — all three Gormenghast books.  Reading them is another issue.  Peake is quite the writer… long detailed prose… It’s just a bit too much for me right now.

randalgraves9. Randal Graves.
Yeah.  I don’t know why.  I’ll accredit this one to Smith’s writing.
Oh, I will say this.  Clerks I or the Animated Series only.  I’m not a huge fan of Clerks II at all.  Most of Smith’s later stuff has just been to keep pushing further — all about the shock and awe.  And well, the amazing writing from his earlier works just isn’t there.

jose10. Jose Reyes (Mets)
Okay.  So I’m a Cubbies fan… or at least I was born one.  I really don’t watch baseball all that often.. and well, I didn’t really follow it too closely this year.  I’m all for going to see a game though (which is pretty much true for any sport).  Anyway.  I noticed Reyes a while ago… and well, I cheered for the Mets for a bit… what?  He’s hot.

Anyway.  To keep this list from getting insanely long, I’ll just list the rest that I might meet this criteria:
MC Frontalot, JT, Jermaine, ok Bret too, Heath (*sigh*), and for a short time Ryan Nyquist, Mouse (Matrix) and Jason Mewes.
I’m sure there are others.  .. but I’m okay with this for now.

reflections on our national community (a discussion on the election night rally)

5 November 2008

Mennogirl just posted a great entry about her experience last night…. and seeing as mine was so short and nondescript… I thought I’d directly recommend it for your reading:

I was there and I am so glad to be here

And my comment, which I’ll include for you:

It is amazing to have this great feeling of pride and respect starting to swell back up… to actually think, yes, I am proud to be an American…

I feel that change will definitely happen. Just look what Obama inspired just in regards to the vote. Americans want to take back our country and show the world we’re not just sitting back on our duffs anymore. We’re here, and we want to make our communities, our nation, and our world a better place.

Last night was truly amazing and it felt great to be surrounded by so many people who support this desire for a better America.

Congrats on being part of history with me my dear friend.

introspective retrospection

28 October 2008

Sunday night during our mall dinner, Mennogirl asked an interesting question…
What would High School Rini think of Present Day Rini?

A lot of time when I think about high school, and who I was in high school, it’s a huge sigh of relief that I’m not that person any more.  Not that there was anything absolutely terrible about high school or the person I was… I’m just happy to be who I am now.  I’m by no means perfect, but I’m pretty damn content and confident with the person I am.

In high school I ran around with a decently large group — we made a dinner reservation for 22 for our senior prom.  We pretty much were all in band and drama together, and I’m pretty sure we made up the science club as well.  I wouldn’t say that I was unpopular in high school, but where I was at the popular kids were the rich kids or the drugged-up jocks (sometimes they were one in the same).  People knew who I was, and I was just content on getting through those four years.

at QHC's Winter Sneak, probably 2002, I'm in the yellow

QHC Winter Sneak, ~2002, I'm in the yellow

High school me was fairly emotional, part of that was because I was depressed during the first part of it.  And I will admit to cutting and having suicidal thoughts… but I got through it.  I was also one of those surface level Christians, one where your image as a Christian was more important than your actual faith and beliefs.  But those were also the types of Christians I was running around with too.  Say one thing, do another… My favorites were the one who when they wanted a refill at a restaurant we frequented, they’d tap their cups on the table until the waitstaff came by.  They also rarely tipped, or at least, not very well.

Anyway.  It’s no surprise that there was drama in the drama club.  Rumors, acusations, backstabbing… those were the days… It wasn’t uncommon for someone to stir up something just because they were bored.  To minipulate others.  By senior year I was just done with it all.  I didn’t invest much into it and just decided to enjoy what I could.  I even remember saying one day at lunch that I probably wouldn’t keep in touch with anyone, but maybe two or so people, once I went to college.  My friends were “hurt” and “offended” — but it was true.  When I went up north, only one person from school visited me the entire time.  However, they would make trips south, but apparently going north was too difficult and too far despite the fact that I was the same distance away as the southern friends were.

(I will say, though, that not all of my friends were terrible people.  There were some pretty awesome people there to.  Some of which, a select handful, whom I still keep in contact with to this day.)

out on the lawn, I'm in the brown skirt

out on the lawn, I'm in the brown skirt

Goshen was a good place for me.  After four years I was (and still am) amused by how many people knew who I was, who had heard of me.  I’m actually sort of sad that it’s all over.  Yeah, I liked the classes and all, but mostly it’s just been hard to leave the people.  We joked around about community a lot at GC, but that’s really what kept me there.  I was given so many opportunities in so many areas, but really it was the fact that I was surrounded by an amazing group of people.  People who helped me grow.

I made a choice in college to not be that person I was in high school.  Not to get involved in a group like that again.  And to just be a stronger person.  I definitely believe that after those four years at GC I am indeed a stronger person.  I’m not a completely different person, but I’ve grown and evolved.  I’m associating with some rather awesome people too.

I’ve still got a lot further to go, but I’m doing pretty well.  High School Rini should be impressed.

home, bittersweet home….

21 October 2008

I moved to the Second City in June 2007.
I decided to move in May… I had thought about it before, but well, Chrissy sort of pushed that to a firm yes.  I think it may have taken me two weeks to find an apartment, sign a lease, and then move in to said apartment.

I was in Edgewater for about 9 months.  3 of those months I was an unemployed hermit.  I only left my apartment for food about once every two weeks.  Occasionally I’d head off to the library.  Mostly I stayed home in my 11 x 15 studio with one window.
This really wasn’t a healthy situation for me.

Eventually I found gainful employment, and due to Steph’s marriage, was asked to move to Evanston with live with Becca, Mennogirl, and jrosei.  There’s two apartments, one on 2nd (mine) and one on 3rd.  I actually only live with Becca.

There are a few things I didn’t know about when I moved… The deposit was huge.  My half was huge.  It was more than my buy-out fee for ending my lease 15 months early (never, never get a 2 year lease).  Also, the rent was really cheap, but this was because our building is considered low income (or something near that).  I knew it was a co-op, and that we’d own a share in the building.  This means attending meetings, assisting with work days, monthly cleaning, and basically being proactive as apart of the building community (as well as planning to be there for a bit longer term).

I acknowledge that I’m a difficult person to live with.  I have my quirks.  And apparently, I have some sort of mild OCD-neurosis when it comes to the kitchen — the fridge mainly.  However, Libby’s assured me, this isn’t a mental quirk, this is normal.
Anyway… moving into this apartment was definitely a healthy and good decision for me.  Since Chrissy moved away, I really needed to be around people.  More so than just work.  So moving in with “the girls” was a good thing for me.  We’d all gone to college together.  Mennogirl, jrosei and I lived in China together.  I knew Becca, but well, honestly we never hung out in college.  Living with her has been the first time for me to really get to know her.  There have been some challenges — again, this is me acknowledging I can be a difficult person to live with.

With my decision to attend grad school, I decided that I want to move closer to that campus and have a longer commute for work.  (Grad school would be in the loop, work is on the northern side of the Northern Territories.)  All of the girls, Libby now included (Mennogirl moved down the alley and Libby moved in), knew I had planned on moving for school.  My goal was to convince Chrissy to come back to me and we could live together.  This is still in negotiations.

Anyway.  With the uncertainty of who I’ll be living with, I at least have the neighborhood picked out.  Right now I’m focusing on moving down to the Southern Lands of Pilsen.  Weiss, who lives there, is assisting in finding some reasonable dwellings.  Since Chrissy is being all academic at grad school now, if she were to come back it would be in June.  However, after more talks with a handful of people, and more time spent down south, I have been toying with the idea that if for some sad reason Chrissy won’t move back, then I’d be willing to move in March.

I hadn’t mentioned this to my current roommate until last night.  I didn’t feel the need to add stress when I really don’t have any of the details worked out.  I only told her last night because I just now found out that she will be quitting her job in January and at this point doesn’t have a plan other than to just find work elsewhere.  With this information, it felt wrong not letting her know.

Anyway… without letting this post get too long… I’m having an interesting time dealing with this whole living situation.  I enjoy the girls, and there are a lot of aspects about the apt that I like.  However, I won’t deny that this hasn’t necessarily been my ideal situation.  It is definitely better than where I was at in many ways.  I’m becoming ready to move on.  But as my excitement builds, I feel this dragging guilt.  That in some ways I’m a bad person for moving.  That I shouldn’t feel so happy to be moving.

It’s my personal decision to move, and I have multiple reasons.  I’ve had a small handful of people telling me to move to Pilsen for well over 6 months now.  And while I realize that my move will change things, and put Becca into a situation she probably doesn’t want to be in — everything’s sort of raining on my parade.  I’ve been in a rainy (and hail-y) parade.  It’s no fun.

It’s hard to know where to be.  I don’t want my roommates to feel that I am abandoning them.  I realize it’s probably hard for them to be supportive of me and excited with/for me when it’s going to bring new challenges to them.  But, with risking sounding too selfish, I need this change.  The Northern Territories were good for me, but I’m ready to get back into an active social life — just an active life all together.  The kittens and I are ready for a new phase.

anti-pro-stupidity, or something of the sorts…

21 October 2008

so. this could be interesting…

Mennogirl’s clued me in on some decent blogs before, as has my Megatron.  So I started, recently, reading dooce.  This isn’t a shameless plug for her, but I have found it to be somewhat entertaining to read.  But this could just be a phase (I used to read iCiNG, but now find gala… well, too “look at me”/I wanna be famous, but I still check the site every now and then)…

ANYway.
Recently, dooce wrote about politics, more importantly, advising women voters to really look into some issues before voting.  To consider the greater group of females, pretty much.  And this sort of turned into talking about McCain’s views on abortion, and that a lot of people are calling him anti-woman.

Now, I’m not fond of McCain, but those are my own reasons.  (look at the right: these people win — obama ’08)  And I’m not one to really vote based soley on one issue, and typically abortion isn’t a key issue with me.  I will admit that in the past I will have said that I probably wouldn’t choose an abortion myself, but didn’t want to make that choice for others.  (I will also admit to actually considering it at one point in my life, but I was never faced with that decision — aka I’ve never been pregnant.)  So, that makes me pro-choice.
One person who left comment on dooce’s post asked a really good question….

When did being “Pro-Choice” turn into being “Pro-Abortion”?

Like I said, I’m not typically “pro-abortion”… I’d like to think, baring any health problems of my own, I’d be willing to take care of any child I brought into this world.  But as also mentioned, there was at least one point in my life when I thought that abortion could be an option — but I didn’t have to make that choice.  But that’s the thing, I have that choice.  I am pro-CHOICE, it doesn’t mean I will choose it.

Anyway…. right now, I’m mildly anti-baby.  Or at least, mildly anti-having-a-baby-myself.  Babies are fine.  As long as I can hand them back to their adult.  At this point in my life, I’m big into the idea of adoption.  There are plenty of kids out there who need families.  But well, that’s years down the road.

Right now… the only baby I’m interested in is an amazing toddler who happens to be my niece.
Talk about damn cute.

Lil G

Lil G

a summary of three days

20 October 2008

My weekend started with seeing Deerhoof at the Metro. Adam, Weiss and I decided to meet up for all you can eat sushi beforehand. Indeed. The ninja roll wasn’t terrible (though Adam didn’t like it), but the tofu roll went over well (as I knew it would).
Anyway. Deerhoof included free tortilla chips and bread. Plus, it was just an all around enjoyable concert. I wish I was a little asian girl. And a drummer. I’ve decided I sort of like (good) female drummers*.

my latest addiction

my latest addiction

This beauty pwnd my saturday. Seriously.
I had thought about purchasing one for a while.  I nearly bought one while in NYC a few years back with WGCS — we were at a radio conference.  There was much win for the Globe that trip.  (We brought a Wii with us.)
Anyway.  DS.  Shiny.  I bought two games to start with — Brain Age and Mario Party — but will gladly take old used games off anyone’s hands.  Hell, I’ll take new games too.
I have a feeling my mom will buy me Super Monkey Ball for christmas…

Sunday was a national holiday.  Hopefully you didn’t miss out on it.  It’s too bad if you did.
Libby‘s birthday.
Much fun was had.
I started my day with her, attending her church — which mostly made me miss attending Meeting.  I might start going again… After church was lunch at Buffalo Joe’s — which will be featured on Wing Chicks soon.  I played more DS… and then met up with Libby and her man Zach… and we all progressed to dinner at a tapas restaurant.  Becca, jrosei, and Mennogirl met up with us a bit later (apparently The Google can be wrong).  … I skipped out before dessert.

Eventually I found my way to a Pink Line, and was heading to the Southern Lands of Pilsen.
Potluck is always a good time.
I succeeded at spending more than 30 minutes with Dan too.  (And I’m starting to believe that he’s possibly one of my best dressed friends.)
My day concluded with good people, good conversation, and more wine.  (Oh. Yeah.  Zombie Zin = not half bad and pretty easy to drink.)   I’m thoroughly enjoying this attractive group of people and definitely am looking forward to Sunday evenings.  And well, I think it’s been decided that there will be a migration from the Northern Territories to the South… in less than a year.

*(asian) female drummer not found in deerhoof.. but in one of the openers…

things to look forward to (10.16.08)

16 October 2008
  • Deerhoof tomorrow night (w/ Weiss, Jesse, Roselyn, & Adam)
  • art gallery show closing (artwork by: