Posts Tagged ‘relationships (or lackthereof)’

when it rains it…

13 December 2008

the list of not-so-much win in my life at the moment:

  • my wrist
  • the pain, from my wrist
  • the boredom, since I can’t really do much because of said wrist
  • medical bills from the past month or so (my back, then this…)
  • the pain, from being female & my uterus’ stupid monthly habit
  • the minor (sexual) frustration, from the obvious (*ahem* still single)
  • thinking your have a chance with someone, who appears to be interested in you, but finding out they’re in a relationship

but hey, at least I finally sold my car. (too bad all that money goes to my mom since I owe her for, well, college.)

edit: as of 10:30pm – and my friend got into a car accident on his way to pick me up for a party tonight.. he’s fine, but the car is totaled.


from one frustration to another

12 December 2008

maybe it’s the irritableness from my wrist… but I just don’t have the energy to deal with frustrating men right now.

I’m tired of mixed signals, of confusion, of getting my hopes up.
I don’t want to set myself up to just get disappointed, led on, or hurt again.

Have some decency and give the gimpy girl a break.

i heart xkcd

5 December 2008

and here’s why: friends

kitten comfort

5 December 2008

Last night I went home, and I don’t know if maybe my anti-anxiety meds wore off or something, but I just wasn’t in the best of moods.

We’re lacking antennae to watch basics in our apartment (they’re upstairs at jrosei & libby’s — though they belong to my roommate)… and we’re currently lacking internet until the 9th (had to switch from Mennogirl to Libby)… so that leaves these options: movies, reading, cleaning, or games.  Or the other option of just sleeping all evening until you finally decide to actually go to bed.

So, I curled up on the couch and had a minor little pity party for myself.  I had gotten it in my head that I had/have absolutely no chance with this really hot guy I like, and on top of that the last string of rejections had more to do with me then the guy or the situation.  So I buried myself under my blankets.

And as to be expected, my kittens have a fascination with many things, one of them being tunnelling under blankets.  So first Kaija joined me, climbed across my legs then over my back and then cuddled in by my belly.  Soon Tuija was in there too, and it was a little kitty spoonfest.  So we all cuddled and the kittens nuzzled me and each other.. purring loudly…   It wasn’t long before I relaxed and decided not to care about my lack of a chance or my singleness.

I don’t know.  I feel like I might be getting mixed signals from said attractive male (whom I may or may not have a chance with)… Maybe he’s flirting, maybe he’s just joking around as a friend… I don’t know.   Maybe I’m just dense, like many people in these situations, and need something a bit more obvious… Like “Hey, you’re cute.  I like you.  Let’s go out some time.”  Or the ever popular slightly random make-out sessions… Or if you still want to be subtle, physical touch isn’t always a bad thing — a quick back rub or pat that maybe lingers, a little squeeze on the arm, holding hands even…. hell, just smiling, making eye contact and maybe a little flirty wink or something… I don’t know.  But at this point I’m confused.

At least I have my kittens to come home to and cuddle with.
and they’re damn cute.  (just like me)

kaija v. the sink - round 1 take 2

an open letter to the male species:

4 December 2008

I’d like to say that I’ve enjoyed our interactions in the past.  You’ve served as close friends, brothers (biological and otherwise), mentors, boyfriends, lovers and just general eye-candy.  I’ve appreciated that.  But can I just say, some of you are just damn frustratingly attractive.

It’s quite distracting.  My mind goes to goo, any connection I had from my brain to my mouth is practically destroyed, and I turn into an embarrassingly giggly mess.  If it seems like I’m not paying attention to you, it’s probably true.  I’m probably thinking about how much I’d rather just be making out with you — or sometimes more.  Even if it does seem like you have my full attention, there’s a good chance my mind is elsewhere.

Somewhere in history the idea that empowering women meant letting them make the moves and all that, so as not to force your masculinity on us and to show us that you think we’re equals… However, you send mixed signals when you run away with your tail between your legs after a girl shows interest.  I’m still not afraid to give out my number to someone I find attractive, but I wouldn’t mind having a guy take initiative and ask me to hang out or get drinks or whatever.  I’ve given you the means to contact me, so do it.  It’d be nice to be pursued every now and again.

To you attractive males, I shake my fist at your hotness.  You’ve tempted me with your attractive personalities and bodies to match.  I’m not necessarily looking for anything specific or grand or anything, but let’s just cut to the chase and have some fun and see where it goes.

Frustratingly yours,

PS- making out is fun, there should be more of that…  just a thought.

smote. in the face.

4 December 2008

well damnit.  I’m smitten.  Again.

I think I must have just hit that phase of life where my just surrounded by enjoyable, awesome, and attractive males.  It’s like a plague.  Granted, with all this eye-candy, I’m not complaining.  Also, these are enjoyable people, so beyond just getting to look at them, I’m having fun spending time with them as well.
So far it’s just been in the win-win situations… I’m more looking forward to the win-win-win situation.  They’re hot, fun to hang out with, AND you get to make out with them; if it’s on a semi-regular basis then that’s just win.

But as has been noted, my dating life has sort of been on fail mode for a bit.  Not that it’s a big deal or that I’m all concerned about it.  I’m enjoying myself as it is.  But a little bit of win would be nice.

but it’s very nice…

24 November 2008

I enjoy kissing.  It is indeed very nice.  Well… I have had bad kisses, but that’s not the topic of this discussion.

I have occasionally found myself in situations where I don’t really know what the kiss means.  It’s the whole “what happens next” issue.  I mean, you’re hanging out with someone, you’re having fun, you make out a bit… and then what?  Does this give you the access for more making out later?  Or is it a “we’re just having a bit of fun thing”?  … Or do you want to continue the physical bits?  I enjoy kissing, but some situations can be a bit ambiguous.

I mean, sometimes all you want to do is just have someone to make out with for a bit.  I definitely know a couple of guys where we like making out, but we don’t expect any sort of relationship to come out of it or anything.  It takes a bit of figuring things out to get to that stage though — there has to be understanding on both sides.. and well, it’s easy for things to get fuzzy.  But there’s also the times when it just sort of happens… Where kissing is sort of an appropriate response to the situation.  What the hell do you do after that?   This could lead to a relationship, a definite sign that the parties are interested… Or it could just be a “moment” thing, and once it’s done it’s done (even if there is mild interest between the parties).  And there’s the times when you’re drunk.  I will definitely admit that I tend to get a bit more flirty and personable when I’m drunk.  And this has lead to more than one make out sessions.

I don’t like leading people on, or being led on myself… but making out is just fun.  And I have been in the position where I didn’t want anything else afterward but the other person did…  It is indeed awkward.  But the period of time after making out with someone.. when you’re trying to figure things out, read into the situation.. it can definitely be frustrating.

Anybody have any suggestions for this post-kiss confusion?  Or any great kissing anecdotes?  Kiss and tell.

a kiss is not a contract - flight of the conchords

MCS: multiple crush syndrome

6 November 2008

Lately I’ve found myself in the company of some pretty amazing people.
My social group is broadening and I’m enjoying myself (and them) tremendously.

One thing that comes from hanging out with some pretty amazing people, is eventually — and well, sometimes, in my case — you realize you’re actually infatuated with some of these people.  Yes indeed, crushes have been developing.  And yes, that is plural.

Now, I’ve had multiple infatuations before.  That’s not that uncommon for me.  But these are crushes, leaning into the “I’d like to date you” realm… on more than one person during the same time span.  It makes for an interesting personal situation, and well, it just adds to the fun seeing as some of these crushes happen to share the same social groups.

I find that in those situations, where I’m in a group and there’s more than one person I’m attracted to present, that I’ll either make a conscious effort on just one individual or I’ll attempt to just play it a little more neutral and make it look like I’m not more interested in one over another.  Picking one individual can be hard, typically it’ll be whomever I feel is responding positively to my general awesomeness, or on occasion I actually will have stronger leanings towards just one person (though I wouldn’t want to count out my other options).  Attempting to be a bit more neutral does work, but it tends to send off the friendship vibe a little stronger than I’d want for some crushes.  Also, combine that with alcohol and you get the reverse — one big, giant drunken ball of flirty awesomeness that is me.

Currently, I feel I may be taking a somewhat healthy approach to my MCS.  There are definitely a select few that I wouldn’t be too opposed to beginning a relationship either now or in the near future.  Another small handful of people who I’d just like to continue to get to know better and see if something might click.  And then a slightly larger group of people who are still basically in the infatuation camp who might develop into some sort of interest.  Rather just throwing myself head-first into this, just jumping in and directly saying “I want to date you” (though I might and have been decently obvious about my interest in them) — I’m taking my time.  Finessing the relationships a bit more.  Frankly it’s because I know how awesome these people are, and I can actually be satisfied with friendship.  (Though I will say, having a reliable and predetermined make-out partner is very nice.)

Though I definitely do not want to be overwhelmed by someone’s interest in me, I do want to feel desired.  I want my crushes to respond back and that maybe out of that something will actually develop.  I’m not necessarily looking for a serious relationship (something I believe I’ve mentioned before).  I’d like to go on dates.  I’d like to have someone to spend time with and just enjoy each other.  Just see where things go.

a kitty finds a lonely….

1 October 2008

from a visiting friend… to one of the various felines in the house…

“You are a little crotch-kitty.  … I guess it’s fine if you hang out there, not like anyone else is.”
(there was too much laughter, so I’m not one-hundred percent that this is verbatim… )

Grab life by the … (thoughts on crushes)

25 September 2008

Recently, Mennogirl shared about some of her frustrations with crushes

This has sort of been a topic amongst the group for a bit, and well, my gorgeous friend Chrissy and I discuss the male species quite often.  I will say, we don’t necessarily harp on the issue of singleness.  Generally it’s about being simultaneously excited, pessimistic, and confused because of our various interests in whom we’re attracted to at the time.

It’s been commented that I’m pretty ballsy when it comes to approaching men.  (I’d like to think that if I ever did find a woman I was ever attracted to enough to want to date, I’d do the same.*)  I’m not opposed to directly telling someone if I’m interested.  Granted, I don’t always do that.  And I’m going to attempt to not discuss my current situation and interest (but I can just tell you, I think he’s pretty awesome… and hot)…

My brother likes to sort of live by the motto “Go big or go home”, you only have one life… Basically just grow a pair and do it.  (This is becoming a very testes-fill entry… hmm..)  Don’t back down.  No regrets. … Yeah.  On most occasions, I feel that if I like a person, I should just be upfront.  Yet, I’m finding that if I’m vocal in my interest… well, it hasn’t worked all that well.

Generally, I wait until I feel decently confident that the person should have gotten the hint that I’m interested without me necessarily stating so.  My last boyfriend (Sean, 2003-2005), once admitted that I was pretty aggressive.  He got the hint that I was interested.  Before we were dating… I ran into his dorm room and threw a smallish squeaky albatross at him, then scampered out of the room giggling.  Ah youth.

Anyway.  Crushes.  Bah.  Mennogirl’s discussion between her Pink fluffy brain and the voice of doubt/reason pretty much captures it.  It’s hard not getting caught up in a crush.  Social networking platforms don’t help — I’m looking at you fb/stalkernet.  For added reference, see this adventure from Fledg.  I mean, no one really wants to be the obsessed stalker chick.

I think this is sort of the underlying push for my directness.  I know my imagination oh too well.  I don’t necessarily trust it to govern itself when it comes to my infatuations.  (Again, let me refer you to the above mentioned post from Fledg.)  So, rather than letting my mind create and live out this relationship that isn’t there, I’d rather just find out if the other person is even interested and then go from there.  And well, that’s led to rejection and a slight deterring of new friendships.  But I’d rather just find out, why wait?  Granted, again, it’s different with each person I’m interested in.  There are times when I wonder if I am doing this more for myself than for the hopes of gaining a relationship.  Weed out the ones that probably wouldn’t develop into anything — and for the ones that I probably am more truly interested in, I’m a bit more inclined to just let things happen… let them develop on their own… (Some of this also comes from my hopeless romantic nature in that I kind of like it when the other person expresses interest…)

But I just put myself out there, then move on when the interests isn’t reciprocated.  On occasion, this has led to awkwardness.  Times when the other person feels that I’m still interested in them, when honestly, I’ve forgotten about it and am just interested in friendship.

Really, nothings come much from this — talking about it, self-examining it.  I’m still fairly direct, even if not verbally, when it comes to my interests in another person… I’m still currently single, however currently pretty attracted to someone (according to a third party, I “fallen” for them), yet well, I’ve still got no clue whether this person might even be remotely interested in pursuing a relationship with me.  I don’t even think I want much right now, just someone to spend time with, someone I enjoy, am attracted to, enjoy kissing, and well, that things could be exclusive… It’s basically friends with benefits that’s monogamous.  I mean, I pretty much want whomever I’m in a relationship to be someone I’m close friends with that I happen to make out with… (So much for not discussing my current situation.)

Anyway.  Crushes will probably always been frustrating.  I’m not sure if much can be done to change that.  I can’t really offer much advice to Mennogirl.  Either she will finally and somewhat directly (it doesn’t have to be verbally) express her interest to this guy, he may wise up and do the same, or they’ll just continue like this with Mennogirl probably giving up out of frustration or a lack of interest.  Best of luck dear, I am rooting for you.

*I do consider myself to be of the heterosexual persuasion.  However, if I ever were to find some amazing woman that completely blew me away, I wouldn’t deny myself the opportunity to be with her.  I just tend to not to be attracted to women, more so, I have yet to discover myself being sexually attracted to a woman.  Anyway.  That’s that.